It wasn’t the whispers and passing comments which ruffled her but the look in their eyes, screaming, “how could you?” “you look weird” “what were you thinking?”
It has taken her all the courage that she could gather and it was like taking a plunge into the deep gorge in the middle of the night. But at last, she has taken it. But why?
She has deliberated and debated this question a million times in her head for the past 2 weeks since the first thought of undergoing this change occurred to her.
It was not that she wanted to make a statement to the world or cry ‘rebellion’ and certainly not because she wanted to get into the inner circle of those sorority girls or make her the center of attraction.
The reasons have always been clear and straightforward, at least to her.
She has lived a subdued life, a scared life till now. She has been an ideal child, who listened to her parents most of the time, showed respect to elders, did the household chores as much as she can and seldom gave trouble to her parents.
She has been a decent student as well. Her grades have been consistently fair and she has participated in school activities. Her teachers never had any complaints from her. She has a small but close friend circle.
Life till the age of 19 has been fair till now, to sum it up. She wasn’t very pleased with herself, and neither disappointed with the way she was living. She has had her share of fun, going to parties with friends, having a drink or two with her friends, and trying an occasional joint. She has also tried the minis, shorts, and spaghetti dresses that she wanted (although away from her father’s strict gaze).
At the same time, she steered clear of the drug abuse, doing a night out with guys, posting nudes over the internet, and having sex with someone new every week, like her other schoolmates.
If asked to sum up her life till now, she would use one word that often came to her mind ‘average’.
So, she had to convince herself a million times before going in for this change. And the reasons she gave to convince herself were first, her life has become boring and second, that it’s high time (age-wise) living an ‘average’ life and she needs to do this to propel her towards living an ‘unscary’ life from this point on.
Tia could have done ten different things to come out of this boring and normal life and make a statement to the world. But it has never been about that.
She wanted to do this for herself and for herself alone. It was like with this one thing were tied her several set of aspirations and if only she could do this, it would push her to turn around her ‘average’ life.
It shined bright purple and green on her head. She wanted the green to make her feel fresh and the purple for the sheer look it gave to that protagonist in the ‘the girl with a dragon tattoo’. And that’s where the cut was partly inherited from as well.
The long tresses that she has had for as long as she can remember, the pride of her mother and aunts (probably because of their fading color and falling hair) more than hers.
And they being her valuable asset as well, which she used to brush at least 20 times a day to keep them from falling while she is studying, working, or cooking.
She spent at least 10 hours a week to oil and shampoo them, tie them, tie them in buns and plaits, and several other knots that she has learned and tried. If you spent so much time on something or someone you tend to get attached to them. So did she.
When deliberating about the color and cut, then only she realized that it was the other’s compliments and reasoning that used to give her a false high and made her so proud of her tresses. And on probing herself further she realized that she really wasn’t proud of them and rather, it was a nuisance for her many times and consumed a lot of time to maintain them. The time she could have utilized for the other things she could have done that she liked, like sketching, blogging, working on school projects.
The people around and the culture she lived in has emphasized having long hair and they have falsely but successfully planted this thought of equating having long hair with a girl’s beauty.
It wasn’t a revelation but more of an acknowledgment while sitting in at a coffee shop when she looked across at the counter, there was this unorthodox girl wearing khakis and a t-shirt with a bird tattoo covering half of her left arm, metallic earrings in the shape of a cross. She had very short hair and was donning a mohawk which was just big enough to show that it was a mohawk and not in a weird stand out manner.
Except for the mohawk, which was red her entire hair was purple. Her height and built complemented her entire attire. One could have easily assumed that she belonged to a biker gang but to Tia, she looked like a normal college girl who dared to look different than the rest of the world.
It was very unlike Tia, and she didn’t even realize it until she was standing beside that girl. She suddenly blurted out, “Hey, I’m Tia and I like your hairstyle a lot”. The girl was taken aback and as she grabbed her coffee and turned, she could see a girl about her age, with a slim built, brown eye and smiling face, long tresses and wearing jeans and a flowery top which had flowers all over, a little too many flowers for her taste.
The girl caught hold of herself and replied, “Oh hi Tia, Thank you for the compliment!” and I’m “Shree”.
And both talked for a few minutes after the usual pleasantries and enquiring about colleges and where each of them stay and then as Shree was in a rush, she walked out with her to-go coffee in her hand and bidding Tia goodbye. Tia did manage to exchange numbers with her.
This encounter reminded Tia that this is what she also wanted to do, not the whole Shree get-up but definitely the hair. Oh yes, if all that crap of having long hair equals beauty and a sense of pride were not filled in her brain then this is how she would have liked her hair to be.
She wanted to cut her hair short and get a hair color. Sitting in that coffee shop for another couple of hours thinking about the cut and color and browsing the different cuts and colors on her phone, she decided what she exactly wanted.
Short hairs, well above the shoulders with (a smooth even slope) an uneven platitude and thick locks at the front kept in a messy way. A green global with streaks of purple in between. She wanted her hair to have an unkempt, a little messy look and it should be easy with a couple of strokes of hands to set them up.
Once she has decided on the color and the cut, she spent the next two weeks deliberating on should she do it? Can she do it? What if she does it? How will this change be received by her family and friends? Will they approve of it, compliment her or will she have to face a barrage of questions and endure criticism. The chances of the latter happening were more.
She was less worried about her friends and classmates but more about her family. She was pretty sure that it would not be taken easily by her parents and it might end up in fights and screams and shouts.
Although she was the only child and most of the time her parents end up agreeing with her many demands but she knew well where the line was drawn. Some things were a strict no-no. And more than her mother she feared the wrath of her father, who showered her with more love than her mother but when angry he used to forget the love and that she was his daughter and not an outsider.
But this time around, she has decided what she wanted to do. She was feeling caged for a long time and the routine life was not doing her any good. So, once she convinced herself she went ahead with her plan.
She wouldn’t go to her usual hairdresser, but the best one in town, “Love and Locks” salon. It was going to be a costly affair but she wanted to go to the best one for her life-changing event.
She booked the appointment for 1 PM on Monday so that she can go immediately after college. She went shopping for some clothes that would go well with the new look.
She also spent enough time to come up with reasons for both family and friends when they ask ‘Why’. It’s impossible to explain to them the real reasons, they will never understand.
At 12:50 PM when she walked into the “Love and Locks”, there was an evident excitement on her face and her body language along with a sinking feeling in her heart.
She was still debating if this was the right decision or not. She couldn’t get back from here but she was wondering if she can still escape by getting a normal or not so ‘unorthodox’ cut.
Before she was called on to the stylist chair, she decisively ended the debate and second thoughts in her mind by reminding herself that “this is not just about a haircut”. This is a step towards the life she wants to live and how she wants to live.
She is not hurting anyone, nor overstepping or causing anyone pain. But she has full right to live the life she wanted and this is a step that will help her liberate herself from the expectations of people around her, liberate her from the fear of doing wrong, and always treading the path laid out by others.
The time has come to lay her own path, tread it and then learn from it. This will propel her to take several of her life’s decisions on her own rather than relying on family, friends, or a husband in the future. What career does she want? Does she want to live independently or with her parents, she wants to live a family life or be a career woman, How she wants her money to be invested? Does she go for separation with her partner if the relation doesn’t work out? How does she want to contribute to this world? And thousands of such questions that will stare at her at every stage of her future life.
This was not about being a rebel, it certainly wasn’t about going against her parents and not even about standing out in the crowd.
When the stylist has asked her a second time that is she sure that she wants these long tresses clipped. She replied sternly; I know exactly what I want. Can you do it?
When she finally looked at herself in a full-length mirror after a couple of hours, donning her new hairstyle on top of the crop top and ribbed jeans that she wore to college that day and a 2-inch heel, she felt elated. She was overjoyed and suddenly her eyes were moist looking at herself. For the first time in her life, she was having such a feeling of achievement.
The thought that she looking beautiful with this style didn’t even occur to her. She was engrossed in the overall change in herself that was evident because of the new hairstyle. She felt taller, smarter, and most important she had the feeling that she can do anything and nothing is beyond her reach.
Tia was brimming with confidence and before she reached home around 4, she knew how to handle her parents and the rest of the world.
The remaining day (and night) was all consumed in the screaming and shouting and fights at her home. Her mother was aghast when she first saw her. And she had to handle her crying and tantrums and then the calls she made to her relatives telling them what a disaster she has done to herself. At the same time, the relatives wanted to see her new hairstyle so she had to send them pics as well just to criticize her.
Surprisingly her father took this change rather well. Despite a funny comment about her looking like a colorful bird’s nest and a short reprimand about not consulting her mother first, he wasn’t angry as such.
By 11 at night a truce was called between mother and daughter and Tia knew her mother will be fine by lunchtime the next day.
The next big task in front of her was walking to the college the next day.
She laid out the dress that she bought the other day and tried it before hanging it back in preparation for the next day.
When she walked out of her room the next day wearing that dress, both her parents were stupefied for a minute. Wearing that yellow shirt with the top button closed with brown pants and a maroon blazer and her new hairstyle made her look a different person altogether. Suddenly a thought washed over her parent’s mind that how grown up she has become.
“What?” Tia exclaimed when she saw them staring at her for that long.
Her Dad averted the gaze and mumbled something and her mother trying to keep the pretense of being annoyed picked up a bread toast and spreading butter on it said “The dress looks beautiful” in a low tone.
Tia smiled, reached out to her mom, and putting her arms around her teased “and what about my new hairstyle?” Her mother pushed her gently and said “don’t push it.”
They all had breakfast with usual banter and gossip from her mother and Tia picked up her bag and left for college.
The courage that she has gathered and the confidence that was outpouring yesterday after the new hairdo was soon waning after hearing the whispers and passing comments and she didn’t know if she can handle herself for too long.
Tia rushed towards the washroom and splashed water as though her face has turned red with the heat but it hasn’t. She dabbed her face gently and took a few long breaths and stared right at herself in the mirror. Luckily there wasn’t anyone else in the washroom then.
She reminded herself again of the reason for her new look and tried to look herself with the same sight that she saw herself yesterday. She realized that she would have to do this exercise many more times in the days to come but she promised herself that she will keep herself afloat and wouldn’t be bogged down with the comments and expressions on others’ faces. She hasn’t done this for them and she shouldn’t care about their opinion but herself. And at the end of the day, it’s just a haircut.
She walked out of the washroom towards the canteen to find her friends’ group, she waved them when she saw them from a distance and joined them. Compliments, Suggestions, and comments start pouring in from her group and she deftly handled all of them, and in the middle of all of that placed her food order.
She was still a little nervous sitting there but was trying her best to steer the conversation to something else and when it did after half an hour then she was relaxed.
She smiled inside knowing that it will be a few more days like these but reminded herself it will always be like this whenever she will take any decision for herself, so she better get used to it.
the book this week 